Category: Uncategorized

Patient Trust

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

And yet it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through some stages of instability—
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually—let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don’t try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give Our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

—Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, SJ

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the word just came to mind while meandering about my laptop. the french word ramasser. i love the way it sounds. perfect for constant repetition. rammaser! rammaser! a strong “ra”, followed by a hammering “ma”, and a swishing end with “sseh.” i forget what it means, as it often happens when a foreign word comes to mind. the sound. le son. i just like the sound. 

ramasser means to pick up, or to gather. a small reminder that maybe it’s time to pick myself up. gather my bearings. stop being a mess.

***

am i a mess, or am i just alive?

philosopher byung chul han writes:

“The complaint of the depressive individual, “Nothing is possible,” can only occur in a society that thinks, “Nothing is impossible.” No-longer-being-able-to-be-able leads to destructive self-reproach and auto-aggression. The achievement-subject finds itself fighting with itself. The depressive has been wounded by internalized war. Depression is the sickness of a society that suffers from excessive positivity. It reflects a humanity waging war on itself.” (burnout society)

***

it’s one of those days when i feel like i am wading through molasses while my brain is following the muffled beat of the macarena up top. 

the day before, my french teacher inquires about my mental situation. “you said last week that you were in a depressive episode, is it better at least?” he asked. “oh. yeah. you’re right.” i almost forgot. i had such a busy week from then until now, i stopped missing the signs. the inability to do anything apart from get out of bed, work, scroll. can’t surmise enough attention to properly watch a movie. missing things. being unable to think ahead, to make plans. but i promise, the thing is. i make plans and never follow through.

***

follow through is one smooth motion. “don’t drop balls,” they warn me. but to pick something up you have to allow them to drop.